FEBRUARY 21

Sunday was February 21. My mom and dads anniversary. I did my best to cheer mom up, but I don't think I did a very good job. I tired to make small talk and even did the "do you remember when"? She smiled and we reminiscenced for a while and she asked me to let her be by herself for a while. I hated to leave her alone but she assured me she was ok.

My friend Ginny called and asked me to go to the mall with her. I went to mom and told her Gin wanted me to go, but I had went the day before and I did not want to leave her alone. She said she was fine and to go out and have fun with my friends. I reluctantly left, but knew my little sister Aimee would be home within the hour. I kissed my mom goodbye and gave her an extra big hug.

Somehow I just couldn't enjoy myself. My mom kept coming to my mind. I was worried, but if I didn't go she would be upset with me. She keeps telling me to go and have a little fun as I have been sick for a while and in the house so much. The weather was nice so I told Ginny to come pick me up and we would go window shop. I had spent all my cash the day before at the mall.

Ginny sensed my discomfort and as we drove to the stores she asked me if I was feeling ok. I told her I was fine, but that it was my parents anniversary. She gave me a nervous little smile and I know she felt a little embarrassed. She told me..."Cath I sure do miss your dad. He was so cool." I grinned at her and said.."Yeah me too".
I settled back and rested my head on the seat and thought of how lucky I was to have such a great dad. I saw in my father all the qualities I wish to find in a mate. He was a strong yet kind hearted and loving man. He worked hard for his family yet he never complained. Even when he was so sick. Much sicker then we ever knew. He didn't complain. He went to work everyday and never even told my mom how he felt. I think my mom feels somewhat guilty. Because she has sat and cried to me that she should have known. He was so good at hiding his illness no one could have known.

When it was finally so noticeable and mom begged daddy to go to the doctor, he argued with her and told her to leave him the hell alone. And if and when he felt bad he would go and not before. I know what my dad was feeling. He was afraid. Afraid to have to learn the real truth to why he was feeling so poorly. As I look back, I realize that as long as daddy was still working everyday it seemed to keep him going. But as soon as he did go to the doctors he kind of just gave up.

I remember that last summer we had with my father. Long weeks in the hospital so far from home in a strange city. For most of those long weeks it was just me and mom. Taking care of daddy part of the days and all of the nights. One of us was always awake. Daddy had to have help doing everything. It breaks my heart to think back of how
my mom had to sit and watch the love of her life die. Feeling every pain he felt and not being able to do anything but try to make him as comfortable as possible. She looked so lost most of the time and even today I see that lonely scared look come to her. I lost that summer of 97. Most of my so-called friends disappeared and never even called when my dad died August 22, 1997. I learned who my real friends were and have become closer to them as I know how much they loved and supported me during that time. I feel I grew up much that long painful summer.

Yes I lost, but I also gained. I gained a precious closeness to my dad that I think if I had not been with him I would never have known. I gained the knowledge of seeing two people truly in love. Seeing something in my parents I pray to have someday. I want the love in a man like the love my father had for my mother. I want to love like my mother loved and still does my father.

As I rested my head and thought all these emotions inside me emerging, I realized why my mother wanted to be by herself for a while. She had her own thoughts and memories to deal with. Her own silent whispers of love to my father. I know there are many memories and feelings I can share with my mother, but sometimes there are thoughts we just need to be alone with. I was happy I didn't stay home. I gave my mom her space and yet she knew I would have been there if she had asked.

As I rested there in the car, tears welled up in my eyes. Ginny seemed to sense this and apoliged for reminding me of my dad. I looked at her and smiled. She also had tears rolling down her cheeks. I told her no, to not be sorry. Because she helped me to sit and think of what all that day meant and I knew now why my mom needed her space. I thanked her, and put my hand on her shoulder. We continued our trip to the mall in silence, each of us crying and deep within our own thoughts.